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Mensch weiss Bescheid über die unterbewusste Beeinflussung von Werbung, mensch hat schon mal Studien dazu gelesen, überflogen, gesehen oder zumindest von Ihnen gehört und sie vermutlich auch schon mal an sich selbst erwischen können. Aber ich persönlich noch nie so plakativ und sinnlos wie momentan:

Vor ca. 6 Wochen ist mir Cola in die Tastatur meines Macbook gelaufen (nach 9 Monaten, für meine Verhältnisse gar keine soo schlechte Bilanz). Nach bestmöglicher Schadensbegrenzung und einer Woche Zeit zum trocknen gingen alle Tasten wieder fehler- und klebefrei, bis auf eine: der On/Off Button. Propably weil er irgendwie nochmal extra gewired ist, damit er auch funktioniert wenn der Laptop aus ist. Egal. Neuen Monat abgewartet, neue Tastatur bestellt, in den Makerspace gegenüber und, abgesehen von gemäßigtem Staunen darüber wie reperaturunfreundlich ein Device heutzutage designed sein kann, komplikationsfrei repariert.

Die zwei dafür benötigten Google-Recherchen für Tastatur bestellen und Reperaturanleitung hatten dann scheinbar ausreichend Eindruck auf den Algorithmus gemacht, dass meine Instagram-Werbung seitdem quasi ausschließlich aus Tech-Angeboten, vor allem aus Apple-Produkten besteht. Keine Ahnung warum der Impact so stark war, I'd like to think dass mein sonstiges Webverhalten für die so unvermarktbar ist, dass das der Halm ist, an den sie sich klammern. Aber who knows.

Auf jeden Fall war saß ich gestern ohne was zu tun (sic!) da und fand mich auf Vergleichsplattformen wieder - was kostet das MBP mit dem M1 Pro nochmal? Ist ja schon echt geil... - Ich kann mir für den Impuls keine anderen Auslöser denken - Die Reperatur ging gut, ich bin hyped das gebrauchte Gerät noch weiter nutzen zu können, es erfüllt fast alle meine Ansprüche und selbst wenn nicht, hätte ich eh kein Geld für ein neues über...

Welchen Schluss ziehe ich daraus? Keine Ahnung. Ich fand es nur interessant und auch bisschen creepy, diesen Effekt mal so ganz deutlich an mir selbst wahrzunehmen. Und vielleicht bin ich noch mal einen Schritt näher daran, meinen Instagram-Account endlich zu begraben, zumindest ist es ein ganz konkreter Grund mehr, langsam müssen die doch mal dieses mindestens halb gelogene Gefühl von connectedness zu meinem Umfeld überwiegen.

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Unpublished Poetry

There was a time where my days were more influenced by poetry. A time where I ruminated more about feelings. At that time I was a regular reader of some web forums that were hardly or not specific to any topic. Do you remember those web forums? It may have been created as a place for a group of friends to interact online, but kept public, growing into a close community of so-called virtual friends. Or it may have been created to be a place to mainly discuss things around a single topic, like most web forums, but the off-topic sub-forum developed to be an important part of people's lifes, or even the main purpose to visit the web site. Or it may have been a web forum that was created for no declared reason, as a learning object for somebody who wanted to learn more about computers and web hosting. I loved those places. I still love the memories of them, and the thought that I was carelessly interacting with strangers back then, without the issues that are inherent in posting something to an unknown or wide audience of people today.

Anyway, I stumbled over short poems in 2008 that one user kept posting from time to time. Sometimes two a day, sometimes one a quarter. He was posting those for years and usually got no, seldom one, reply. I don't know what meaningful things people could have replied to them. They were just expressions of the authors feelings at the time, philosophical thoughts in a poetic dress, sometimes short stories, furious or gleeful, of events in the author's life. I didn't understand why they didn't catch more attention, expression of gratitude, attempts at answers to open questions or reader's thoughts from their own viewpoint. After all, they posted them publicly, in a friendly community, where it was expected to get all sorts of replies. Maybe the poems didn't often resonate with a lot of people. But many of them did with me. I never before thought that poetry would ever build a nest in my head. But theirs did, before I noticed. They hit a spot in my mind that I didn't know was perfect for reading and feeling poetry. I made a compilation of their posts in which I was sure to find a piece to cheer me up when needed, get the strength to make the right decision against my intuition when I knew my intuition wasn't a good guide, and all sorts of other little helpers in everyday life, as well as new thoughts I wasn't looking for. In that nest in my head there soon were my own thoughts and experiences, that, at some point, wanted to leave that nest. So I made some effort to form them into nice sentences, phrases, lines, sometimes rimes. That is, I started to write my own poetry. It felt necessary. Those thoughts had to go somewhere. I wasn't any good at it, which is why this entry is about somebody else's unpublished poetry, not mine. Mine fell to the ground as soon as they left the nest, and I didn't care for them enough to make them into something that I would have deemed worth backing up or copying to a new hard disk when necessary. I didn't even remember them when I typed the title of this entry.

But the poems of this unnamed author were good. I was back then and pretty much still am as uneducated and inexperienced in poetry as I every was. I have no clue what a good poem is. But their pieces are really good, judged by the effect they had on myself back then and the feelings that they are still able to produce in me today when I read some of them. One time I got into a conversation with the author over personal messages and mentioned the compilation that I made. They replied with a PDF of their own, a complete (up until that day) compilation. It contained many poems that they hadn't published. Some of them because they were too personal or could have the potential to identify them. Many of the published ones were very personal, too. But they didn't want them to be connected to his person in "real life". I promised that I'll never share them with anyone, no matter how much I think they ought to be enjoyed by or given the opportunity to help others. And that's the reason I'm writing this entry instead of posting the PDF. I guess it is considered wrong to tell somebody that there is a secret that you won't say anything about except the fact that it is secret. Allegedly that's no use for anybody. I don't think that's true. It has the use for me to have shared what I sometimes can't stop thinking about and, hopefully, payed a little bit of tribute to the anonymous author.

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I feel like I'm wasting my life but when I ask myself what I really want in life, I want to waste it even more.

As an adolescent I always assumed I'd end up homeless and without a stable job. It was actually my goal to travel alone, interacting with society as little as necessary. I do have a need for interpersonal communication. But it's very small and I mostly wish I could be left alone more. But things turned out differently and although the boy who kind of captured me into society is long married and gone from my life, I'm still leading this life inside society that I never wanted. One thing lead to another and now I actually have a job that's not that bad (turns out I'm actually reasonably good at some things). I never tried to get a good job. But now that I already have this life, I'm wondering whether I want to keep living it.

People keep telling me being able to programme like I am is an outstanding skill and I could make double the money I'm making now if I'd get a job in IT. But I don't see it. I'm actually a pretty bad coder. I really struggle taking the time to write good code. I've never written anything worth publishing. I can write code that is working most of the time. But in professional standards, my code would not be taken seriously. As a professional skill it's more embarrassing than useful. It's just the fact that I was taught as a child that's unusual at my age. People didn't have computers at home at the time I started to use one. I've assisted at coding courses for children at a hackerspace a few times. There's never been an 8 year-old who didn't immedietly grasp what was necessary to write a useful computer programme. I wish people would stop acting as if it's so special that I know how to code anything. That alone won't give ne an automatic successful IT career.

So, now that my job stopped being fun (It really was, initially, even though I hardly remember it anymore.), what am I going to do? I still want to pack a bag and leave this society behind for a not pre-determinded period of time. That dream never completely vanished from my mind. When I ask myself what it is that I really want, that is now back at the top of my answer. So, try to get a better paying or otherwise more fun job to make this goal more viable through a genarous financial backup? Or live the dream as one should, according to famous proverbs?

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I feel like I'm not using modern technology and other privileges that are available to me today to it's full potential. I think that nobody is even able to. I mean, I'm sitting here on a bench in the fields writing a blog entry and uploading it to "my" web server via SSH, listening to an independent web radio over the internet in-between browsing the web (that really is almost world-wide) for any information that interests me at that moment, with a "phone" capable of so much more than I would have thought 20 years ago even desktop computer should be able to do. But still, so much would be possible with today's technology (mainly the internet and small, battery powered devices). Humanity, what are you doing, wasting your own inventions? steeph, what are you doing wasting your time and resources on listening to some random person talking about something just because it fulfils your momentary desire for information about that topic while typing this sentence?

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The Three Bad Reasons Why I Don't Use Git

1. Github or other public Git repositories: Wouldn't be complete

Haven't published everything always, don't want to publish everything, would want to include everything but couldn't. So using public Git repositories would always be accompanied by a feeling of imperfection.

2. I've never used Git for anything really.

Apart from cloning and occasionally updating others' repositories I've never used them. I'm not used to using Git and I don't struggle with not using it. So starting to do so now would require me to hurdle quite some hurdle. I never used it. Why would I start now?

3. It's too late to start now.

I've noticed that the point where it would have been a good idea and would have made a lot of sense to get accustomed to using Git has long passed. So by starting now or in the future I would admit that I didn't take the hurdle when it would have been the right thing to do - when the best time to do so was near the present. I would admit to doing some things not the right way in the past if I would start to do them right from now on. It's easier to pretend that the way it always has been is the right way - the way I'm used to doing things.

That all makes no logical sense. It would be an improvement to start using Git for some things, be it coding projects, any category of texts that I have on my computers, any collection of files, ... The costs of these improvements would be hard disk space, which isn't all that rare for me nowadays and getting used to using Git, which isn't complicated.

So why don't I even try to use it in some cases? Well, I've just honestly told you my three reasons.

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What I post here

I don't know. I just kinda wanna have said this once.

I'm not creating a carefully outlined collection of blog posts worth reading here. I just make or edit an entry when I feel like it. About what I feel like writing about at that moment. I decided that I don't want to let thoughts like the realisation that what I'm writing won't might not be interesting to anybody or the apprehension that an unfinished, not proof read or evidently meaningless entry won't be of any use to anybody stop me from making an entry. This is my space, I decide what I put here and I refuse to impose a standard on it. I may treat this like my diary with entries that will only be of value to me (or future me) or share something that I actually find worth sharing or I might post something that I would never have thought I'd post here, before I did so.

I guess one way of saying what I want to say is: I know this is not the most interesting blog on the web. So what?

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Trolls - Winning Feels Like Losing

Sometimes I realise late that I'm interacting with a troll in an online forum, on Reddit or on a mailing list. For the type of trolls who delibertely try to confuse and seem to be sincere on the surface while following the goal of inducing frustration or otherwise spreading negativity, I have to give to them, that makes them good at what they are doing. But none the less it makes me feel bad all the more. Not much for wasting my time, but for being honest to them while they know they aren't honest to me. I feel betrayed when I conversed more than one or two messages long with a troll.

And that's what happened to me again today. I gave them the benefit of the doubt even after I realised that they had been given many chances to see they made a (simply and definitely provable) honest little mistake but didn't take a single of them, had not responded to a single direct question while constructing a kindly phrased little unrelated allegation out of nothing instead. After a few more messages with no progress I had enough and started to type my response to inform them that I'm not able (or willing? see next paragraph) to view their motivations as sincere. I felt a bit mad and that feeling became stronger the more I re-read what they had posted. But I wanted to make my final response complete and correct, so it seemed necessary to invest this emotion. And I did intend to make this my last post in the thread. I wanted them and maybe others who were still following the thread to know that I'm fooled no longer by this troll. I'm glad I realised that that was still feeding the troll and refuted what I was trying to convey before I submitted my post. I did the right thing by not continuing to give them a fulfilment of receiving any attention at all. But now this is an unclosed chapter in my mind. I'll call it unclosed memory so that I have a term (and category tag) in case I want to refer to similar experiences on this blog in the future. I guess that's the reason I'm making this entry. I did it, dear reader! I got out when I finally did realise what was going on.

I'm imposing this label "troll" on this person and even have a drawer in my mind for people who acted similarly in other threads that I've read in the past. But the thing is - and that's probably a banale thing to say for anybody who has done some thinking about online trolls before - I couldn't prove that they are, even given a perfect defitinion with clear criteria. I don't know their intentions. I want to feel a little bit proud for giving them the benefit of the doubt for longer than apparently any other participant in the thread. I believe that it is ususally the right thing to do to not assume malicious intentions in somebody's actions even after you had the realisation that that is a possibility. I want to be the person who assumes kindness or lack of knowledge before assuming bad intentions. But I'm still often very naive (mostly the kind of naive that makes me tell strangers my weaknesses, like being naive), even though that has changed a bit in some situations. But I always assumed I'm being made fun of or that people try to make me look like a fool rather soon. I think I can hardly know with sufficiant certainty whether that's the case in situations like the one described above. So I will feel unsure whether I made the right decision. (Not that I suspect it matters for this person's life in this case. But in principle.) Among the reasonable things to do with experiences like this I've marked "tell somebody about it" and "discard the memories of it by not trying to bring it up again unless it severly impacts my life" as good options. I've dine the former by writing this here. I'll go on to do the latter now.

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Project Idea And A Little Story: High Power PC Cooled Completely Passively With Heat Pipes And A Large Surface Aluminium Case And My First Online Post Ever

Here is another project idea that I'll probably never realise. It's not really an ingenious idea or a new concept. But there is a reason for why I can't forget about it.

In the very early 2000s, when I started to tinker with PC cases and also made my first steps in web communities, I thought about how I could reduce the noise my computers made without running chips at dangurously hight temperatures or forgoing performance. I've read about heat pipes in some case modding community. And I thought why not take it to the extreme to move heat quickly not just to a larger heat sink than the CPU sockets could safely hold (Motherboards didn't have cooler brackets back then.) but to a heat sink or several heat sinks that cover the majority of the case's surface. When the first commercial CPU coolers with heat pipes came on the market, targetet at computer tinkerers, but still nobody in the community seemed to attempt to make a case with a huge heat sink on the outside of the wall to cool even a 2 GHz Pentium 4 with its 75 Watts TDP passively, I decided to register in a small case modding web forum and present my idea to see what might be wrong with the concept. I was actually younger 20 years ago than I am now and I had never before tried to get myself out there in such a way. I thought it was a rather good idea. But I wasn't sure how much surface and aluminium mass I needed and wether it was realistic to cool a powerful CPU passively that way. Trying to cool a Pentium 4 only passively sounds like a stupid idea after all.

So I created a post on said web forum that I've never read before, presented my idea and asked for opinions. I got a few answers and everybody seemed to think it was a stupid idea. One respondant didn't seem to get my idea but still seemed to think it was stupid. One person seemed rather friendly in comparison and asked if I could explain the idea in more detail. I felt bullied by the negative answers, I felt mocked by being inline quoted (which I don't think I had seen before) and I felt that my ideas were generally worthless since I wasn't one of those hobbyistic experts that actually know stuff and are able to answer questions asked in a web forum. So rather than explaining my idea in more detail as requested, I searched for a way to delete my post, didn't find one and asked in the same thread how I could remove it.

I didn't find the post when i searched for it a few years ago. Like most small web forums it has probably gone offline with nothing or almost nothing in a web archive. But with the experiece that I have today I suspect that I didn't explain my idea very well and the other forum members didn't realise that I was a very insecure child. I also realised many years later that it wasn't a bad idea. I even saw a computer case that implemented the same idea being sold at some point. I don't know if many people bought this. But at least somebody other than me seemed to think it made sense and could even be commercialised. This redeemed my idea in my mind and I started to think about making such a case again. But I don't have the need for high-power CPUs and didn't want to invest money into another project that I wouldn't ever finish once the initial exitement would be over by buying huge heat sinks and heat pipes. So I've added it to that huge imaginary list with projects that I like to would have done but likely wouldn't finish and conclude my decades long considerations and my decision to conclude them by writing this entry.

Done.

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