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Entries tagged 'cat:Work'

I feel like I'm wasting my life but when I ask myself what I really want in life, I want to waste it even more.

As an adolescent I always assumed I'd end up homeless and without a stable job. It was actually my goal to travel alone, interacting with society as little as necessary. I do have a need for interpersonal communication. But it's very small and I mostly wish I could be left alone more. But things turned out differently and although the boy who kind of captured me into society is long married and gone from my life, I'm still leading this life inside society that I never wanted. One thing lead to another and now I actually have a job that's not that bad (turns out I'm actually reasonably good at some things). I never tried to get a good job. But now that I already have this life, I'm wondering whether I want to keep living it.

People keep telling me being able to programme like I am is an outstanding skill and I could make double the money I'm making now if I'd get a job in IT. But I don't see it. I'm actually a pretty bad coder. I really struggle taking the time to write good code. I've never written anything worth publishing. I can write code that is working most of the time. But in professional standards, my code would not be taken seriously. As a professional skill it's more embarrassing than useful. It's just the fact that I was taught as a child that's unusual at my age. People didn't have computers at home at the time I started to use one. I've assisted at coding courses for children at a hackerspace a few times. There's never been an 8 year-old who didn't immedietly grasp what was necessary to write a useful computer programme. I wish people would stop acting as if it's so special that I know how to code anything. That alone won't give ne an automatic successful IT career.

So, now that my job stopped being fun (It really was, initially, even though I hardly remember it anymore.), what am I going to do? I still want to pack a bag and leave this society behind for a not pre-determinded period of time. That dream never completely vanished from my mind. When I ask myself what it is that I really want, that is now back at the top of my answer. So, try to get a better paying or otherwise more fun job to make this goal more viable through a genarous financial backup? Or live the dream as one should, according to famous proverbs?

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µ-d! Arbeit. µ-d! 🔁

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When I was working half-time I was making and doing fun things and hobbies were hobbies. Now - working full-time - I spend too much time being annoyed that I don't have more free time. Accepting that this is life is the most cowardly thing I've done. Good thing I notices in time.

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